The absent Father and Mother wounds created in childhood are likely to experience attachment-related problems, and can create an anxious attachment and avoidant attachment style in a person.

The mother wound occurs when a mother offers their child physical but not emotional support.

Our mom may feed us, bathe us, and provide practical care. 

But they may not offer the nurturing attention, safety, and warmth that we need to feel truly secure and loved. 

As the child develops in childhood into a teenager the mother may become more in a critical mindset toward their child, and doesn’t respond empathically to their child’s emotions and needs. 

The mother wound is very similar to the father wound in that they both arise from some form of neglectful parenting. However, there are differences, and these tend to reflect the varied societal expectations between a mother and father.

Society suggests that the mother’s typical role is to offer love and acceptance, so the mother's wound occurs when this is not given. 

Growing up without a father can be one of the most painful and traumatic experiences

Creating low self-esteem, unworthiness, identity issues and self-love.

The lack of a father's affirmation and support can result in feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of worth.

Father’s role is seen as the protector and supporter, so the father's wound occurs when they are physically absent, emotionally abusive, absent, or critical.

Growing up without a father's consistent presence can negatively impact a girl's self-worth and self-esteem.

The reason why the mother wound has such a profound effect on us in childhood and later in life is that it plants seeds of doubt in our minds about our worth, trust in others, and safety in the world.

Common difficulties associated with mother and father wounds are low self-esteem, self-love, self-worth, which lead to relationship problems, and difficulties recognizing and managing emotions.

Mother wound in men, the mother wound can significantly impact a man’s life in several ways. 

Men with an unprocessed mother wound may long for a woman’s love and approval, particularly if they develop an anxious attachment style in childhood. The anxious attachment style is characterized by reassurance-seeking and a need to be close to the person, which might be called clingy behaviors in relationships, which may occur as a means of compensation for a lack of love from their mother. 

Mother wounds can cause men to develop an avoidant attachment style. Avoidantly attached men may shut down their feelings, causing them to distant themselves in relationships for fear of rejection and abandonment, they now fear intimacy. 

Mother wounds can also cause men to develop insecure attachment, men struggle with feelings of inadequacy and sadness, which then manifests as anger. This anger may occur in unpredictable situations for no real reason.

The mother's wound in women can create a strong sense of shame: Something is wrong with them,  and that they need to remain small to be loved. could manifest as a feeling of guilt that they should achieve more. 

The low self-esteem associated with an unresolved mother wound can also manifest as a woman comparing themselves to others. The comparisons then perpetuate the feeling that something is wrong with them, over and over.

The belief that their mothers see them as “not good enough” not worthy of love. Create an internalized belief that they are “not good enough,” and a desire to be something better, and people pleasing to be liked. Creating a constant internal conflict, feelings of insecure, and self doubt, installing a feeling of overwhelm, and tormenting critical negative looping thoughts.

Avoidant attachment style develops when a child perceives that their caregivers repeatedly reject their need for closeness and affection.

People with anxious-avoidant attachment styles, Instead of wanting to be emotionally close, they avoid connecting with others intimately. 

They might rely on themselves to be highly independent, crave freedom, and find emotions to be difficult and stifling. 

Individuals with an anxious-avoidant attachment style might respond to their partner unpredictably. They might sometimes show warmth and affection, then become distant and cold. These responses can make interactions between partners uncomfortable, leading to emotional distance, not conducive to long term happiness in a relationship. 

Any of these triggers could cause the avoidant attachment style to withdraw from the relationship. They will also distract themselves from unpleasant emotions with work or hobbies. Or repress their feelings and pretend that they don't exist.

How to work with an avoidant partner if you are an anxious partner.

Having the avoidant partner start to understand themselves, and see the negative impacts they have on a relationship is key. 

They will feel like they are being attacked  … so be careful with your words.

Having the avoidant become more aware of their own feelings inside of them, when they feel anxious, and like they want to shut down the conversation, or run away.  

Ask if they can let you know what is happening to them. 

Ask them if they can let you know they need space, and time to calm down from the overwhelm they feel is a good start.

The fear they feel makes me want to hide, they fear being vulnerable, and they fear being rejected. 

Once they have had time to calm down and relax, you can ask if you can talk about this tomorrow at a set time. Let them know you will send an email with a brief explanation of the issue, conversation to be had. This allows the avoidant to  prepare and not feel so fearful of the possibility of being hurt.

The anxious person then goes into their familiar role of People pleaser to make everyone happy, and overextends themselves by giving to others before themselves. They do this to feel liked and loved, but in the end they feel empty inside and depleted and overwhelmed.

Setting boundaries, to say no when I don't want to do something, this will make me feel in control, safe and not so depleted and overwhelmed.

Both the anxious and the avoidant have to go against their own trauma responses to meet each other in the middle.

Anxious has to give more space to the Avoidant, and the 

Avoidant needs to give more to time with the Anxious.

While the Anxious gets more comfortable with more time away from the Avoidant, and the Anxious gives more space to the Avoidant.

Anxious needs to listen more versus being demanding and criticizing.

The Avoidant has to express more thoughts and feelings, and practice vulnerability.

When both the Avoidant and the Anxious attempt to do all of these things and work together, to understand each other's limitations and needs more clearly, without being triggered in childhood trauma. 

Taking ownership of their own emotional state as an adult. 

Things can work out with better outcomes.

Both will have to face their fears, this is the only way to heal and grow together.

Most importantly, it only takes one to begin the process, stop waiting for your partner to change, start with yourself first. As the only thing that you can change is yourself.

I work with couples in this dynamic a lot, opposites attract. 

It is possible to slow down the communication so both avoidant and anxious attachments, can be heard, loved and appreciated.

Let me help you figure this out ;)

Best to you,

Ashley 

Somatics-Embodied RTT® Clinical Hypnotherapy & NLP Counseling 

Working with Trauma, Weight, Anxiety, Intimacy & Relationship

somaticsembodied.com